Have you ever been in a relationship that ended in heartbreak? If so, did you take time afterward to reflect on “why relationships fail?”
I’m talking about digging deep inside all the uncomfortable moments—all those moments of feeling unloved, lonely, frustrated, and heartbroken.
To move forward, reflect on and acknowledge “WHY” the relationship didn’t work. If you skip this step in the healing process, your next relationship “WILL” end in disaster, too.
How Do I Know?
I’ve experienced unhealthy relationships for over twenty years.
I was married at eighteen to an abusive man and endured three and one-half years of domestic violence. I lost custody of our two children and quickly moved in with another man.
This unhealthy relationship lasted for twenty-plus years. Until one day, I couldn’t carry the weight of our relationship by myself anymore.
I couldn’t go one more day feeling unloved and disrespected.
I left for the third and last time for ME.
Taking time alone with God to heal and reflect on previous relationships helped me discover “why relationships fail.”
Thanks to Joe Amoia from “GPS for Love,” his “Mirror Time” quote enabled me to understand what went wrong.
Related Post: Healing the Heart After Domestic Violence
Identifying the reasons for the relationship’s demise will help you avoid making the same mistakes in the future, recover, and move forward in life.
This post does not point fingers or cast blame; it aims to understand why relationships fail. Always remember that relationships are a two-way street. Both parties are responsible for the demise of a relationship.
To grow as a person, it’s essential to own your choices.
Here are ten reasons relationships do not work out.
Ten Reasons Why Relationships Fail
1. Lack of Knowledge
The lack of knowledge is the number one reason why relationships fail.
I didn’t know about men, dating, or being in a long-term relationship in my early twenties. I never knew about healthy and unhealthy relationships and knew nothing about God’s purpose for man and woman in marriage.
After chasing him around town for a few months and meeting several times, we lived in an apartment together. I stayed for over twenty years, leaving twice; I returned both times for the children.
Twenty-something years later, we split up for good.
Knowing what a healthy relationship is is essential. With the proper knowledge, you can make wise choices and better decisions in life.
2. Always Putting the Man First
I always put the man first, which is the second reason why relationships fail.
Putting him first right from the beginning of our relationship was a mistake. At the time, I had an apartment and enrolled in GED classes. Not thinking twice, I left everything behind to follow after him.
My state of mind was not healthy at the time. I recently left an abusive three-and-one-half-year marriage. And should have been in counseling for child abuse and domestic violence, not chasing after men.
Doting over him and catering to his needs became a priority for several years, including making lunch, serving meals, giving back massages, and other things.
This behavior was acceptable for many years. However, it’s unhealthy to behave this way continuously toward a man.
He didn’t need a mother!
He needed a healthy partner for life.
3. Moving in Together Too Quick
Moving in together too quickly was the third reason why relationships fail.
As I said, we moved into an apartment together within a few months. This behavior is not ever acceptable.
I learned a healthy relationship develops over time. Relationships need time to nurture for long-term growth.
Make sure your relationship continues to grow over time. You both must keep growing as a couple, apart as individuals, and flourish in life.
Unhealthy relationships are like cancer inside you. They eat away at you inside until no healthy parts remain for you to live a productive life.
4. Communication
Lack of communication is the fourth reason why relationships fail.
Our communication with each other was alright for several years. It was never great.
As the years went by, our communication dwindled to nothing. We communicated the basics of daily living and nothing more.
We shut one another out!
I believe communication is the core of a healthy relationship. When you lack in-depth conversations with a partner, you stop being that person’s partner.
5. Making Assumptions
Assumptions are the fifth reason why relationships fail.
Assumptions are the act of assuming or taking for granted.
Over the years, I have thought about the lack of love and respect. I assumed men expressed feelings of love as a woman does. I believed he didn’t love me due to his lack of emotions, affection, and attention.
I didn’t know what a man’s love was, and I didn’t realize that a man shows love in other ways.
Assuming he didn’t want to work continuously without quitting. I figured he didn’t want to support his family and gave up!
When the reality was that his lack of work meant he was failing his family, it made him feel like a failure and depressed him. Besides, I was never happy with any effort made, and he gave up trying.
He assumed I would do everything and would always be there for him. We took each other for granted.
Our assumptions over the years were all wrong. We made them without understanding the truth about relationships, love, and men. We both suffered a great deal because of assumptions, too.
6. Accepting Poor Behavior
Accepting poor behavior is the sixth reason why relationships fail.
We were both guilty of displaying and accepting poor behavior from each other. However, I was less tolerant or forgiving due to past abuse. Continuously allowing poor behavior from me was wrong, too.
Neither of us had personal boundaries in place to protect ourselves. We both allowed each other to display poor behavior and didn’t require accountability or change.
We were both too forgiving to some degree. Allowing poor behavior to continue in a relationship is unhealthy. The connection will not continue to grow, and the poor behavior will not change.
7. The Absence of an Emotional Connection
The absence of an emotional connection is the seventh reason why relationships fail.
I never had an emotional connection with a man. It felt more like we were roommates with each other. We didn’t have an emotional bond with each other.
I’m guessing that it’s challenging to have this type of bond with a man when communication is lacking.
8. Lack of Growth
The lack of growth is the eighth reason why relationships fail.
Healthy things continue to grow. Unhealthy things wither away and die.
Our relationship didn’t continue to grow, and we didn’t continue to grow together as a couple. In a way, we stunted each other’s growth to some degree.
I was growing in a different direction and wanted a better relationship. I no longer allowed acceptance for poor behavior. I decided to leave for good.
9. Lack of Respect
The lack of respect is the ninth reason why relationships fail.
When you love someone, you will try your best to respect them.
I believe respect in a relationship means doing your best to improve the other person’s life. You don’t disrespect your partner by not contributing your weight.
I decided to leave for good due to the lack of respect. The lack of effort to work and help support the family caused bitterness and resentment.
A lack of respect affects both people when you live in a dysfunctional relationship. In short, we were toxic to one another. I needed to leave so we could both begin to heal.
10. Bitching and Complaining
Bitching and complaining are the tenth reason why relationships fail.
This reason is for the Ladies. Men hardly ever bitch or complain. Perhaps this reason should be in the number one spot.
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9 KJV
Bitching and complaining gets you “NOWHERE” with or “NOTHING” from a man.
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19 KJV
NOT EVER!
Well, I take that back; it will get you one thing.
Shut out completely!
I spent years bitching and complaining to him to fulfill my needs and the desires of my heart. As a result, he shut down and shut me out completely.
It didn’t work!
It only deepened the divide between us.
I didn’t know how to communicate in a manner that would yield results, and he didn’t know how to talk in a way that would get me to keep quiet.
The constant bombardment of bitching and complaining made him feel like a failure. It pushed him further away from me. It had the opposite effect than what I desired.
I’ve learned to stop bitching and complaining. I’m still working on learning how to communicate better with men.
The Final Conclusion
A few years later, we sat down to talk. I apologized for the things I did wrong in our relationship, including disrespecting and acting out of anger.
He said,
“I feel better now. “
He was hoping for a different outcome, hoping we would get back together. But I knew it was not healthy for either of us. We needed time alone with God to heal and experience personal growth.
The most important lesson from this relationship is its effect on others. We can love, be angry, disrespect others, and learn to forgive one another.
Our actions in life can have a lasting effect on others. Always be mindful of that in your daily life. Try to live a life of love, compassion, and forgiveness for one another. And forgive even when things go drastically wrong.
I’ve learned love covers a multitude of sins.
Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to accept people back into your life. It means you can move forward without holding a grudge.